English is a Crazy Language英语:疯狂的语言

English is a Crazy Language

by Richard Lederer

English is the most widely spoken language in the history of our planet, used in

some way by at least one out of every seven human beings around the globe. Half of

the world's books are written in English, and the majority of international telephone

calls are made in English. Sixty percent of the world's radio programs are beamed in

English, and more than seventy percent of international mail is written and addressed

in English. Eighty percent of all computer texts, including all web sites, are stored in

English.

English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world's languages, perhaps

as many as two million words, and has generated one of the noblest bodies of

literature in the annals of the human race. Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact

that English is a crazy language -- the most loopy and wiggy of all tongues.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a

shipment

, but when

we transport something by ship, it's called

cargo

?

Why does a man get a

her

nia and a woman a

hys

terectomy?

Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private mess?

Why do we call it

newsprint

when it contains no printing but when we put print on

it, we call it a

newspaper

?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called

bikers

and people who ride bikes

called

cyclists

?

Why -- in our crazy language -- can your nose run and your feet smell?

Language is like the air we breathe. It's invisible, inescapable, indispensable, and

we take it for granted. But, when we take the time to step back and listen to the

sounds that escape from the holes in people's faces and to explore the paradoxes and

vagaries of English, we find that hot dogs can be cold, darkrooms can be lit, homework

can be done in school, nightmares can take place in broad daylight while morning

sickness and daydreaming can take place at night, tomboys are girls and midwives can

be men, hours -- especially happy hours and rush hours -- often last longer than sixty

minutes, quicksand works

very

slowly, boxing rings are square, silverware and glasses

can be made of plastic and tablecloths of paper, most telephones are dialed by being

punched (or pushed?), and most bathrooms don't have any baths in them. In fact, a

dog can go to the bathroom under a tree -- no bath, no room; it's still going to the

bathroom. And doesn't it seem a little bizarre that we go to the bathroom in order to

go to the bathroom?

Why is it that a woman can man a station but a man can't woman one, that a man

can father a movement but a woman can't mother one, and that a king rules a

kingdom but a queen doesn't rule a queendom? How did all those Renaissance men

reproduce when there don't seem to have been any Renaissance women?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to

an asylum for the verbally insane:

In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why do they call them

apartments

when they're all together?

Why do we call them

buildings

, when they're already built?

Why it is called a

TV set

when you get only one?

Why is

phonetic

not spelled phonetically?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell

mnemonic

?

Why doesn't

onomatopoeia

sound like what it is?

Why is the word

abbreviation

so long?

Why is

diminutive

so undiminutive?

Why does the word

monosyllabic

consist of five syllables?

Why is there no synonym for

synonym

or

thesaurus

?

And why, pray tell, does

lisp

have an s in it?

English is crazy.

If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry? If olive oil is made from

olives, what do they make baby oil from? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a

humanitarian consume? If

pro

and

con

are opposites, is

congress

the opposite of

progress

?

Why can you call a woman a mouse but not a rat -- a kitten but not a cat? Why is

it that a woman can be a vision, but not a sight -- unless your eyes hurt? Then she can

be "a sight for sore eyes."

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But

fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, hammers don't ham, humdingers don't

humding, ushers don't ush, and haberdashers do not haberdash.

If the plural of

tooth

is

teeth

, shouldn't the plural of

booth

be

beeth

? One goose,

two geese -- so one moose, two meese? One index, two indices -- one Kleenex, two

Kleenices? If people ring a bell today and rang a bell yesterday, why don't we say that

they flang a ball? If they wrote a letter, perhaps they also bote their tongue. If the

teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught? Why is it that the sun

shone yesterday while I shined my shoes, that I treaded water and then trod on the

beach, and that I flew out to see a World Series game in which my favorite player flied

out?

If we conceive a conception and receive at a reception, why don't we grieve a

greption and believe a beleption? If a firefighter fights fire, what does a freedom

fighter fight? If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses, from what is a mohair

coat made?

A

slim chance

and a

fat chance

are the same, as are a

caregiver

and a

caretaker

, a

bad licking

and a

good licking

, and "What's going on?" and "What's coming off?" But

a

wise man

and a

wise guy

are opposites. How can

sharp speech

and

blunt speech

be

the same and

quite a lot

and

quite a few

the same, while

overlook

and

oversee

are

opposites? How can the weather be

hot as hell

one day and

cold as hell

the next?

If

button

and

unbutton

and

tie

and

untie

are opposites, why are

loosen

and

unloosen

and

ravel

and

unravel

the same? If

bad

is the opposite of

good

,

hard

the

opposite of

soft

, and

up

the opposite of

down

, why are

badly

and

goodly

,

hardly

and

softly

, and

upright

and

downright

not opposing pairs? If harmless actions are the

opposite of harmful actions, why are shameful and shameless behavior the same and

pricey objects less expensive than priceless ones? If appropriate and inappropriate

remarks and passable and impassable mountain trails are opposites, why are

flammable and inflammable materials, heritable and inheritable property, and passive

and impassive people the same? How can valuable objects be less valuable than

invaluable ones? If

uplift

is the same as

lift up

, why are

upset

and

set up

opposite in

meaning? Why are

pertinent

and

impertinent

,

canny

and

uncanny

, and

famous

and

infamous

neither opposites nor the same? How can

raise

and

raze

and

reckless

and

wreckless

be opposites when each pair contains the same sound?

Why is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but

when the lights are out, they are invisible; that when I clip a coupon from a newspaper

I separate it, but when I clip a coupon to a newspaper, I fasten it; and that when I wind

up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

English is a crazy language.

How can expressions like "I'm mad about my flat," "No football coaches allowed,"

"I'll come by in the morning and knock you up," and "Keep your pecker up" convey

such different messages in two countries that purport to speak the same English?

How can it be easier to assent than to dissent but harder to ascend than to

descend? Why is it that a man with hair on his head has more hair than a man with

hairs on his head; that if you decide to be bad forever, you choose to be bad for good;

and that if you choose to wear only your left shoe, then your left one is right and your

right one is left? Right?

Small wonder that we English users are constantly standing meaning on its

head. Let's look at a number of familiar English words and phrases that turn out to

mean the opposite or something very different from what we think they mean:

A waiter. Why do they call those food servers

waiters

, when it's the customers

who do the waiting?

I could care less.

I couldn't care less

is the clearer, more accurate version. Why do

so many people delete the negative from this statement? Because they are afraid that

the

less

combination will make a double negative, which is a no-no.

I really miss not seeing you. Whenever people say this to me, I feel like

responding, "All right, I'll leave!" Here speakers throw in a gratuitous negative, not,

even though

I really miss seeing you

is what they want to say.

The movie kept me literally glued to my seat. The chances of our buttocks being

literally epoxied to a seat are about as small as the chances of our literally rolling in the

aisles while watching a funny movie or literally drowning in tears while watching a sad

one. We actually mean

The movie kept me figuratively glued to my seat

-- but who

needs

figuratively

, anyway?

A non-stop flight. Never get on one of these. You'll never get down.

A near miss.

A near miss

is, in reality, a collision. A close call is actually

a near hit

.

My idea fell between the cracks. If something

fell between the cracks

, didn't it

land smack on the planks or the concrete? Shouldn't that be

my idea fell into the

cracks

(or

between the boards

)?

A hot water heater. Who heats hot water? This is similar to garbage

disposal. Actually, the stuff isn't garbage until after you dispose of it.

A hot cup of coffee. Here again the English language gets us in hot water. Who

cares if the cup is hot? Surely we mean

a cup of hot coffee.

Doughnut holes. Aren't those little treats really

doughnut balls

? The holes are

what's left in the original doughnut. (And if a candy cane is shaped like a cane, why

isn't a doughnut shaped like a nut?)

I want to have my cake and eat it too. Shouldn't this timeworn cliché be

I want

to eat my cake and have it too

? Isn't the logical sequence that one hopes to eat the

cake and then still possess it?

A one-night stand. So who's standing? Similarly, to sleep with someone. Who's

sleeping?

I'll follow you to the ends of the earth. Let the word go out to the four corners

of the earth that ever since Columbus we have known that the earth doesn't have any

ends.

It's neither here nor there. Then where is it?

Extraordinary. If

extra-fine

means "even finer than fine" and

extra-large

"even

larger than large," why doesn't

extraordinary

mean "even more ordinary than

ordinary"?

The first century B.C. These hundred years occurred much longer ago than

people imagined. What we call

the first century B.C.

was, in fact

the last century B.C.

Daylight saving time. Not a single second of daylight is saved by this ploy.

The announcement was made by a nameless official. Just about everyone has a

name, even officials. Surely what is meant is "The announcement was made by an

unnamed official."

Preplan, preboard, preheat, and prerecord. Aren't people who do this simply

planning, boarding, heating, and recording? Who needs the pretentious prefix? I have

even seen shows "prerecorded before a live audience," certainly preferable to

prerecording before a dead audience.

Pull up a chair. We don't really pull a chair up; we pull it along the ground. We

don't pick up the phone; we pick up the receiver. And we don't really throw up; we

throw out.

Put on your shoes and socks. This is an exceedingly difficult maneuver. Most of

us put on our socks first, then our shoes.

A hit-and-run play. If you know your baseball, you know that the sequence

constitutes "a run-and-hit play."

The bus goes back and forth between the terminal and the airport. Again we

find mass confusion about the order of events. You have to go forth before you can go

back.

I got caught in one of the biggest traffic bottlenecks of the year. The bigger

the bottleneck, the more freely the contents of the bottle flow through it. To be true to

the metaphor, we should say,

I got caught in one of the smallest traffic bottlenecks of

the year

.

Underwater and underground. Things that we claim are

underwater

and

underground

are obviously surrounded by, not under the water and ground.

I lucked out.

To luck out

sounds as if you're out of luck. Don't you mean

I lucked

in

?

Because we speakers and writers of English seem to have our heads screwed on

backwards, we constantly misperceive our bodies, often saying just the opposite of

what we mean:

Watch your head. I keep seeing this sign on low doorways, but I haven't figured

out how to follow the instructions. Trying to watch your head is like trying to bite your

teeth.

They're head over heels in love. That's nice, but all of us do almost everything

head over heels

. If we are trying to create an image of people doing cartwheels and

somersaults, why don't we say,

They're heels over head in love

?

Put your best foot forward. Now let' We have a good foot and a better

foot -- but we don't have a third -- and best -- foot. It's our better foot we want to put

forward. This grammar atrocity is akin to May the best team win. Usually there are

only two teams in the contest. Similarly, in any list of bestsellers, only the most

popular book is genuinely a bestseller. All the rest are bettersellers.

Keep a stiff upper lip. When we are disappointed or afraid, which lip do we try to

control? The lower lip, of course, is the one we are trying to keep from quivering.

I'm speaking tongue in cheek. So how can anyone understand you?

Skinny. If

fatty

means "full of fat," shouldn't

skinny

mean "full of skin"?

They do things behind my back. You want they should do things in front of your

back?

They did it ass backwards. What's wrong with that? We do

everything

ass

backwards.

English is weird.

In the rigid expressions that wear tonal grooves in the record of our language,

beck

can appear only with

call

,

cranny

with

nook

,

hue

with

cry

,

main

with

might

,

fettle

only with

fine

,

aback

with

taken

,

caboodle

with

kit

, and

spick

and

span

only with each

other. Why must all shrifts be short, all lucre filthy, all bystanders innocent, and all

bedfellows strange? I'm convinced that some shrifts are lengthy and that some lucre is

squeaky clean, and I've certainly met guilty bystanders and perfectly normal bedfellows.

Why is it that only swoops are fell? Sure, the verbivorous William Shakespeare

invented the expression "one fell swoop," but why can't strokes, swings, acts, and the

like also be fell? Why are we allowed to vent our spleens but never our kidneys or

livers? Why must it be only our minds that are boggled and never our eyes or our

hearts? Why can't eyes and jars be ajar, as well as doors? Why must aspersions always

be cast and never hurled or lobbed?

Doesn't it seem just a little wifty that we can make amends but never just one

amend; that no matter how carefully we comb through the annals of history, we can

never discover just one annal; that we can never pull a shenanigan, be in a doldrum,

eat an egg Benedict, or get just one jitter, a willy, a delirium tremen, or a heebie-

jeebie. Why, sifting through the wreckage of a disaster, can we never find just one

smithereen?

Indeed, this whole business of plurals that don't have matching singulars reminds

me to ask this burning question, one that has puzzled scholars for decades: If you have

a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of or sell off all but one of them, what do

you call that doohickey with which you're left?

What do you make of the fact that we can talk about certain things and ideas only

when they are absent? Once they appear, our blessed English doesn't allow us to

describe them. Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Have you

ever run into someone who was combobulated, sheveled, gruntled, chalant, plussed,

ruly, gainly, maculate, pecunious, or peccable? Have you ever met a sung hero or

experienced requited love? I know people who are no spring chickens, but where, pray

tell,

are

the people who are spring chickens? Where are the people who actually would

hurt a fly? All the time I meet people who

are

great shakes, who

can

cut the mustard,

who

can

fight City Hall, who

are

my cup of tea, who

would

lift a finger to help, who

would

give you the time of day, and whom I

would

touch with a ten-foot pole, but I

can't talk about them in English -- and that

is

a laughing matter.

If the truth be told, all languages are a little crazy. As Walt Whitman might

proclaim, they contradict themselves. That's because language is invented, not

discovered, by boys and girls and men and women, not computers. As such, language

reflects the creative and fearful asymmetry of the human race, which, of course, isn't

really a race at all.

That's why we wear a pair of pants but, except on very cold days, not a pair of

shirts. That's why men wear a bathing suit and bathing trunks at the same time. That's

why

brassiere

is singular but

panties

is plural. That's why there's a team in Toronto

called the

Maple Leafs

and another in Minnesota called the

Timberwolves

.

That's why

six

,

seven

,

eight

, and

nine

change to

sixty

,

seventy

,

eighty

, and

ninety

,

but

two

,

three

,

four

, and

five

do not become

twoty

,

threety

,

fourty

, and

fivety

. That's

why first-degree murder is more serious than third-degree murder but a third-degree

burn is more serious than a first-degree burn. That's why we can open up the floor,

climb the walls, raise the roof, pick up the house, and bring down the house.

In his essay "The Awful German Language," Mark Twain spoofs the confusion

engendered by German gender by translating literally from a conversation in a German

Sunday school book: "

Gretchen

. Wilhelm, where is the turnip?

Wilhelm

. She has gone

to the kitchen.

Gretchen

. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English

maiden?

Wilhelm

. It has gone to the opera." Twain continues: "A tree is male, its buds

are female, its leaves are neuter; horses are sexless, dogs are male, cats are female --

tomcats included."

Still, you have to marvel at the unique lunacy of the English language, in which

you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but

you can't turn a light in; in which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up

and come down -- a gloriously wiggy tongue in which your house can simultaneously

burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you fill in a

form by filling out a form, in which your alarm clock goes off by going on, in which you

are inoculated for measles by being inoculated against measles, in which you add up a

column of figures by adding them down, and in which you first chop a tree down --

and then you chop it up.